Introduction #2

I'll caveat this by saying that I don't have regrets. I would not have wanted anything or anyone to be other than they were because I believe we have all come through our challenges as better, stronger, more loving and generous people.

This is not to say that I have never wished for a moment that my situation was different. To be forever responsible for your siblings - to have that responsibility drive your life choices is hard. It does give me purpose and the sense of being needed. There's no worry that my sister will move across country without me. There is worry that should I decide to ever go anywhere else, that I couldn't take her with me. That would be like losing a limb to me. I'm not fond of the town I live in. I much prefer Milwaukee, Madison or even Chicago. But this is where Angie, John and my mom are so this is where I am.

My sister in her worst moments smacks the dog, shouts in frustration and throws away papers we really wish she wouldn't throw away. My brother in his worst moments shits the bed, pinches so hard you get bruises and will nag you like a 3 year old for constant attention even if it means throwing the computer in your lap to the floor.

This is not fluffy bunny fun. I don't have any other siblings. I have cousins I am close to who have kids. But I won't have nieces or nephews, brother in laws or sister in laws. There's no one but me to take care of my mom and my siblings in their old age.

I deal with snotty caseworkers, brilliant doctors, stupid doctors and caring caseworkers. I know my siblings better than most but I always have to convince their new caretakers that I do before they listen. I'm a co-parent with my mom for my siblings and have been as long as I can remember.

To give me a chance at a different life, my mom placed Angie and John in a boarding school knowing she couldn't give them the best care when I was away. John has never been the same. Angie was different for a long time and she has come around after living at home and is a combination of our 'old Angie' and a grown up Angie. John seems more damaged and fragile. I carry that guilt - even knowing it was the right choice.

Being a parent or a sibling isn't easy for anyone. Each experience is unique. I cherish mine but the realist in me has to remember that sugar coating it makes the triumphs a little less sweet.