I'm still in the midst of a lot of major changes. I went through an overdose of anti-anxiety pills which led to taking those completely out of the equation and learning about addiction. Because I was unable to work, I am now unemployed but receiving benefits. I came back from Gatecon with a newly inspired joy that I'd somehow lost. I've lived many different places in my life and over time, I've lost that dreamy quality and replaced it with the words of my family who, through the best of intentions, have always thought I was a bit strange for having such aspirations.
I'm not unhappy but I'm also missing something. I haven't moved in over a year and I've been in Wisconsin since 1999. I want to change that but I want to be sane about it. Leaving my family isn't something I'd do lightly. Though I am proud of where we've ended up. My sister would probably not be as deeply ingrained in our lives as she is if I hadn't impulsively pulled her out of a home to live with me 6 years ago.
The future is uncertain. I'm probably going to a convention in Atlanta in September almost entirely because people I've met elsewhere have been incredibly supportive. I'm literally at the bottom of the financial ladder but that's ok. It gives me time to plan, time to write, time to dream and then I can take flight.
No matter where I go, Angie and John will be in my heart.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
July and Gatecon
In the months since my last post:
John went into the hospital again (for the 6th time) and his blunt but kind doctor explained the process of morphine given to someone dying to me. It was painful to hear but doesn't change our decision. I will not have him suffer, I will not let him be tied down to keep him alive nor let them feed him through a tube. It sounds small but to John, eating is a Joy, one of the truly few he has control over and I will not take that from him. But, he got sick quickly and recovered quickly so all is well.
Angie is completely acting out more (yay yay yay) and her caretakers at school are being a little too helpless about it. She's growing and pushing her boundaries. She's developmentally delayed - she won't stop - you have to keep adapting and the fact that she's pushing those boundaries means she's Living! When I say acting out, I mean that she's not standing there and letting people be really loud in her face or touch her if she's not comfortable - she does what she right now knows how to do - pushes them away or 'smacks' their arm or leg (not hit but open hand with light force.) yes, she has to find another way to do it but she's non-verbal so it is a challenge.
Mom is out of work until August for her knee surgery and her workplace is treating her with such disrespect that it makes me ill. But she has ideas and there is light on the horizon.
I'm out until Monday with my own short term leave. I just got back from an amazing convention. Last month I also stopped drinking and went off some medication so lots of medical/psychological adaptations for me which is why i was off work. This month has had me completely inside my head thinking about my life and where to go with it. To have met the people I met this last weekend - both actors and convention goers - at this time in my life is priceless, timeless, special, spiritual and amazing all in one.
I also have a small shout out to this site: http://ibelieveshesamazing.com/ - I just became aware of it and I'm completely on board.
John went into the hospital again (for the 6th time) and his blunt but kind doctor explained the process of morphine given to someone dying to me. It was painful to hear but doesn't change our decision. I will not have him suffer, I will not let him be tied down to keep him alive nor let them feed him through a tube. It sounds small but to John, eating is a Joy, one of the truly few he has control over and I will not take that from him. But, he got sick quickly and recovered quickly so all is well.
Angie is completely acting out more (yay yay yay) and her caretakers at school are being a little too helpless about it. She's growing and pushing her boundaries. She's developmentally delayed - she won't stop - you have to keep adapting and the fact that she's pushing those boundaries means she's Living! When I say acting out, I mean that she's not standing there and letting people be really loud in her face or touch her if she's not comfortable - she does what she right now knows how to do - pushes them away or 'smacks' their arm or leg (not hit but open hand with light force.) yes, she has to find another way to do it but she's non-verbal so it is a challenge.
Mom is out of work until August for her knee surgery and her workplace is treating her with such disrespect that it makes me ill. But she has ideas and there is light on the horizon.
I'm out until Monday with my own short term leave. I just got back from an amazing convention. Last month I also stopped drinking and went off some medication so lots of medical/psychological adaptations for me which is why i was off work. This month has had me completely inside my head thinking about my life and where to go with it. To have met the people I met this last weekend - both actors and convention goers - at this time in my life is priceless, timeless, special, spiritual and amazing all in one.
I also have a small shout out to this site: http://ibelieveshesamazing.com/ - I just became aware of it and I'm completely on board.
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