Hollie's book

My family has had a complicated life.

I have had a complicated life.

The challenges of a dairy farm, broken marriages (mom's and mine) and extended family misunderstandings were barriers that we've had to deal with. Overcoming wasn't and couldn't be the goal because family is blood and you always have them. Only time gives us perspective on the past.

I'm writing a book and at first I was trying to write just my story but I honestly cannot talk about myself without talking about Angie and John. We are bonded together. A bond of little gestures, challenging moments, goofy outbursts, tears of frustration and joy of reunion.

I've been feeding my brother for as long as I can remember. We used to run around the house while he chased me. I held him when he had his anger seizures. My sister has been my anchor - she's learned how to help me by putting dishes in the sink, laundry in the basket and now even getting soda from the refrigerator. She plays with my hair and dances with goofy abandon.

When I was 17, I was starting my senior year in college. All of my life had wound around family, caring for my siblings and the responsibilities of the farm. When my dad's heart attack coincided with giving over the farm to other members of the family, mom looked at the big picture and chose a place for Angie and John to go. I have no doubt it was the best place for them.

St. Coletta's was run by an order of sisters that I'll have to look up again but they are unofficially known as the Lake Franciscans from Milwaukee. Its in Jefferson Wisconsin and its three hours away. Rosemary Kennedy was there though in a separate house. It was a school setting like dorm rooms. John and Angie had had six week 'camping' trips there for a year or two until the year they went there full time.

I have said many times that because John requires more care, due to division of labor, Mommy took primary care of John and Angie was mine. But I still played with my little brother. He'd chase me around the house. He'd giggle at the silliest things. He'd love to watch football. He'd roll balls around. My sister - well how do you explain feeling 'complete' when you just sit in the same room with someone?

It was the best thing for our family. I had to strike out on my own, have a life, figure out who I was - not just an older sister, the oldest daughter but everything else. What kind of music would I like. What kind of job would I have. Who would be my first real friends. College was waiting. Life was waiting for me and my mom and my brother and sister all made that sacrifice to give me a chance at living my life as Hollie - not just Hollie, Angie and John.

So I had my life - I got drunk, I wrote blogs, I dated, I figured out it took me 10 years to finish college and six years to go from married to divorced. I met new friends and made new enemies. I started to really grow up. Now I'm home again and living with one sibling and spending time with the other because he's in a group home close to where I live. This is not what I expected when I left home. But I wasn't the only one of us who changed and grew.

St. Colettas was a wonderful school; my sister even had first communion. But my sibs were 14 and 15 when they moved out. We were all split up - Mom and Dad stayed in Wisconsin until Dad got a job in Nebraska. I was in Seattle, North Carolina and then DC. Angie was at Colettas for several years until she aged out of the program and moved home into a CBRF. John also aged out and went to a different kind of institution.

Their journeys were different. We touched base every few months and the small changes became big changes. But our journeys have come around to a new height.

My sister now makes her bed better than I do but when she plays with my hair, all my stresses melt. My brother struggles with behavioral issues and when he's not pinching me, I tickle him and his giggle gives me tingles in my heart.

My sister now livess with my mom and I. My brother lived with us after his first bout with pneumonia until he moved out into a group home.

There are so many stories there. Who were they when they were younger? How have they changed? Why? What happened to them when they were away from home? What happened to me? Yet we spent every thanksgiving, christmas and Easter together. Each reunion was bittersweet - it was rare that we were all together and until 2004, good byes meant taking everyone home to different places.

There's more and I'll stop rambling now but that's our story. Complicated. Crazy. Compassionate. Challenging.

But its my life and even as I sit in the hospital with my brother, a few bruises on my arm because he had a bad day yesterday, I feel loved, tired and special. I miss my sister - I wish she was here to tussle my hair and dance with me and John. I'm not married, I don't have a job right now and I'm still happier than I've ever been because my brother and sister are an integral part of my life.