Extended Family

Like all families, mine is complicated. Divorced parents with my father now deceased. Skeletons in closets that keep some of us apart for better or worse. But sometimes, inspiration strikes and slowly light enters that dark space that builds up between people and reconciliation begins.

My father died in June 2007 - after my birthday and after Father's day. I didn't know how sick he was and maybe if I had, I would have put my pride aside and seen him. If he knew how sick he was or had let his pride go, perhaps he would have asked to see me. But we didn't and that time is past. I hope there is an afterlife. I choose to belief it because I feel lost otherwise. I do however cherish the family I have left even more. This is a big part of the reason that my mother and I brought my brother home even knowing we had to sacrifice because how would we feel and how could we live with ourselves if we didn't try.

Months passed after that horrid June and slowly the truths began to come out about what really happened and the sunshine helped mend the wounds all of us that loved my Dad were feeling. Those of us who were too proud began to open up and say "we were all wrong in one way or another" and we should talk about it someday, when we're ready.

Time doesn't so much heal as dull some of the pain and remind you of what you have left. Finally, after two years, I went to see my Aunt, my dad's sister and her family. It helped that my cousin who is my age stayed in touch with me and gave me the courage. I can be very skittish some days.

Unabashedly I say that I had a wonderful time. My brother was on his best behavior - which leads me to think how tied in to all of us he really is emotionally even when we can't see or understand it. Or maybe the divine intervened and calmed his restless soul. My sister had a lovely time as well. I saw cousins I hadn't seen in a long time and children of cousins. I hugged my aunt, my uncle, my cousins, my cousin's fiance. It felt good. It felt like peace had finally found me.

The future is always uncertain. We're having a small bbq soon and another family member has come home to recuperate. We're a very large extended family and we have all made so many mistakes because, well, that's what you do when you're young and struggling.

I sit here on a Saturday morning listening to the snores of my brother (pancakes for breakfast plus his medications have him in a deep sleep - I'm just hoping the milk of magnesia keeps his tummy settled until he wakes up - I don't want any accidents on the sofa!) My sister is playing with papers and waiting for me to put on the tv.