All about me

Hi, my name is Hollie - that's with an -ie not a y. My mother loves Christmas but I was born in June so... Hollie. I correct people on the spelling of the name because I am not "holly" - when I see the name it doesn't even register that they might be referring to me. Weird, huh?

I also just realized that my initials (first name, middle name, last name) fit the names of my siblings (my middle name starts with A and my last name starts with J). I'd never realized that before.

I am less tired and frustrated than I was on Friday. I do have a slight urge to run away but I'm attempting to do less of that. I went swimming at the YMCA last night and will probably go again soon but it depends on when I'm dropping things off for my rummage sale. The swimming will be my hobby, my escape, my coping mechanism for as long as it cheers me up.

My brother needs constant interaction and supervision. That, I think, is what is so difficult. We work all day only to come home and have to feed him, bathe him and keep him occupied until he's sleepy enough to go to bed. If you attempt to relax by writing (what I do on my computer) he'll try and take it out of my hands. Since I like my time to myself, I get pretty irked when I have to constantly be on 'red alert' when he's around.

Huge self assessment of failure. Logically, I know that its life - that having a life is important, that being whole and healthy for other people in addition to my brother is also important - blah blah. But logic isn't that feeling of guilt that settles in my stomache. It is what it is.

We are still waiting to hear about assessments and placement for John. Mom has made some calls and is waiting to hear back. So much paperwork and time. Right now, I get John dressed and sometimes feed him if Mom runs late and then I put him on the bus at 8am. Mom does the rest including nights.

I really just want - well I don't know. In 15 months, I've moved 5 times. Do I want my own room back? Do I want to travel? Do I want to leave the house more? Write more? Read more?

I'm unsure and out of ideas.