Potential - grief

John has a new home away from home. He was placed on Tuesday after school. I took the day off, did his laundry, folded his clothes and stayed home with my sister Angie while Mom and my aunt Barb took him to his new home. They made pizza for him for supper. His room is a bright green and the house is balanced with two male and two female clients. Its five blocks from his new day program (the same Day Program my sister goes to) and he'll go from 9am-Noon. They have their own van to transport them. Which is important because when John has fits, he pinches and he's gotten kicked off busses before. He also tends to sleep at his afternoon day program so it doesn't pay for him to go if he's just going to sleep.

This is a good thing. I am emotionally and logically aware that it is a good thing. He's placed. He's in Green Bay. It will not be hard to visit him, even just for a few hours and an ice cream.

I purposefully haven't gone to settle him in because Mom needs to process this first before I can. Its just the way my family works. Once she gets through the worst of her rough feelings then I can fall into mine.

Last night mom went out with a friend and came home late. I was wound up for some reason. Maybe it was staring at the futon frame. (we removed the mattress because it had been semi-piss soaked) That's where John has slept for the last few weeks. I couldn't hear him snoring. I couldn't kiss the top of his forehead.

I had relief earlier in the evening when he normally would have been pulling at me, throwing things etc and I could just read, hug Angie good night and listen to tv in the background. But as it got later and the house got emptier, things felt heavier. I took my xanax and finally fell asleep around 3:30am after mom came home and we watched an episode of Doctor Who.

This morning I overslept and didnt' want to get out of bed. What I really want to do is go home, crawl into bed and just sleep away the guilt, the loss, the failed hopes.

Emotionally, I tend to intellectualize my feelings. I grieve for a lot of things right now. My dad's birthday was July 28. Its a year anniversary to when I decided to up and move to be with Larry and his kids (a relationship that ended in spectacular disaster) and of course John. He's beautiful and I love him. I'm glad that he is somewhere else so I can go back to being sister and not being the disciplinarian and being angry at him all the time.

I wanted and hoped for ways to help us help John. To find a way to help him get better. Admitting one's limitations is not easy. I've found it takes a lot of tears to wash away just a little of the self-pity and guilt. But life and love goes on.